An insult too many Taunted by Goblins at the Lighthaven bridge, Albertus loses his cool and goes on a rampage... with a little help from his friends! By Albertus Strong - February 28, 2002

“Come over here, lassie! After we crush this halfling, you can come and sit on my lap and I’ll make you sing!”

An introduction of sorts

In the past, as many of you may already know, I was but a humble woodsman who had the misfortune of offending an evil (and ill-tempered) sorcerer. As punishment, and to my horror, he transformed me into a frail woman!

In my quest to regain my proper self, I managed nonetheless to strengthen this strange body and equip myself with the fiercest weaponry and armour I could lay my soft hands on. Somehow this made me feel like some of my past manhood and honour was somehow restored.

Unexpectedly, this hardship has had the favourable consequence of making the life of a woman clearer and more understandable to me. It also showed me that valour and honour is not just a man’s privilege, as I previously believed… This experience also brought to light the arrogance and intolerance of many, as well as proving without the shadow of a doubt the tolerance and valour of others who soon proved to be trusted friends.

However, I have had to endure many cruel humiliations and name calling, such as being labelled a “cross-dresser” by my old friend James Arhy. This epithet stood the test of time and I have since accepted it as my own, without regret, understanding it for what it is: a mark or respect and affection.

But yesterday, finally, the cup of my patience spilled from the venomous words from a few arrogant goblins...

Skirmish at Lighthaven Bridge

Although unpleasant, having to fight one’s way across the Lighthaven Bridge (also know as Goblin Bridge) has become an everyday event. That day, I came to the help of a young adventurer named Stalker who was struggling there with several goblins.

It has been many years now that the city has lived under the constant menace of this red plague (most goblins have blood red skin). Since then, adventurers relish the chance to give those goblins a taste of cold steel, I foremost among them.

Indeed, young Stalker was surrounded by a band of haughty goblins, arrogant in their superior numbers and sure of an easy victory. Reaching the battle, I called to Stalker and claimed my support to his cause. Several goblins snarled at my defiant stance, baring their rotting teeth with disdain. The biggest shouted in a rain of spittle:

“Feh! Go back to your laundry baskets, woman! Or better yet, come later to wash this waif’s blood off the bridge!! Har! Har!”

This unexpected taunting gave me pause as I gathered a properly stout response. But my answer did not come fast enough as another scraggly goblin shouted to me, dodging Stalker’s blows as he shouted his abuse:

“Gah! That’s no woman! That’s yon famous mistah cross-dressah! She thinks she’s a man, but a sword and big words not a man makes!”

“Come over here, lassie!”, beckoned another with obscene gestures. “After we crush this halfling, you can come and sit on my lap and I’ll make you sing!”

I could bear this no longer! A blind rage suddenly came over me as I leapt into the fray shouting at the top of my lungs:

“Damnation! These goblins have taunted me once too many! Anyone who wants to help me teach them a lesson meet me at the Lighthaven Goblin Bridge!”

Goblins BBQ

Slashing away in a frenzied bezerker rage, I nonetheless noticed many brave adventurers answering my call to battle. Artu Samak stepped in asking if this was the start of a new war against the Goblins. I calmed down enough so I could reassure him that this was just about settling a personal offence.

We soon were joined by Gwathir, Milamber, Ashleigh PORT, Atticus REA, Arkanas and Amos who heartily hacked into goblin meat as we joked of doing a Goblin BBQ party!

Ahleigh PORT was blasting away, toasting goblins with massive fireballs, while Arkanas was contemplating summoning forth an earthquake to deal with these pesky monsters.

“There sure is a lot of Seraphs around nowadays!” I wondered as I threw fire darts around to the smell of roasting goblin flesh. In fact, I was surprised to see so many high-level adventurers come to my assistance for such a paltry incident. There were so many wings around that we couldn’t see the town anymore. In fact, the bridge was so crowded, Gwathir poked Artu Samak’s eye with the tip of his wing.

Somehow, the sight of all these friends warmed my heart and healed my poor pride. That is, until Ashleigh PORT jokingly said “Such a tiny fire ball Albertus!”

“Are-you questioning my manhood?” I asked, annoyed once more. “Tee hee hee. You mean womanhood?”, she teased. Looking at her mirthful eyes, I decided to let the matter drop, seeing as she meant no spite and probably was not even aware of my peculiar situation.

A lesson well taught

The goblins were already in disarray when the bridge trembled under the mighty steps of Grashnuhk FKA. I grinned as the powerful half-orc dispatched goblins left and right with broad slashes of his sword. Goblin body parts splashed in the river on each side of the bridge, scaring whatever fishes hadn’t already fled because of the commotion.

Soon, the only goblins remaining were either in parts or lying on the bridge floor, oozing yellow blood. My battle lust abated, I took a long breath and said:

“They'll think twice now before questioning my manhood!!!”

The bridge shoot under the hearty laugh of my friends. Stepping gingerly over the amassed piles of goblin carcasses and gore, I thanked everyone and went back home, satisfied. If the valour of a man – or woman – is weighted by the quality of his – or her – friends, then I shall feel shame no more.

Albertus Strong, a.k.a Thierry Gagnon, Game Master for Vircom Interactive

A Deadly Picnic, Part 1